Irregular Days

Entry 13,658

I’m ready now. This wasn’t the plan. This was never the plan, but I’m ready now. What business does a being of darkness have in adopting a child off the streets? It just happened so fast. I lost control. I was never one for emotions, and I had thought the few that were there had further diminished through the years, but in reality there has been a fire building inside me all my life. I beat it down as best I could. Just like the real thing it terrified me to the core, but now there is no slowing the conflagration. I was never able to live on my own terms, and now I’m sick of being a servant. I’m too far gone to fix that, but perhaps I can die on my own terms. I’m locked in a room with a noose and a chair. Maybe just this once I can get something right.

Dear Elle, you will grow up without a mother, but the brief moments with you were some of the best I’ve had in this long life. Your mother will do her best to protect your future, but it may cost her life. Certainly this wasn’t the best life for you, but its the best I could give. Please forgive me for that. You and Lady Julia will get through any hardships. I truly believe that. I have to believe that. With the money I’ve left you, you should be able to follow any dreams you may obtain. Just remember what I told you, live the way you want to live. Do not be like your mother. Do not be a shade of gray, too afraid to enter the light, and too afraid to be truly consumed by the darkness. Whomever you become, Ms. Elle, is fine with me. As long as you become what you want to become your mother will be proud of you.

My Lady Grimalkin, I’m sorry I could never live up to the potential you once saw in me. I’m sorry I could never repay your kindness. Please do not feel bad, you gave me a better chance at happiness than I ever could have otherwise known. It was my own cowardice that messed that all up. It was so magnificent to see you again. It was so amazing to feel your touch. I know it was only pity, but for you to feel anything for me is more than a selfish little thief such as I could have hoped for. Even now you have given me something wonderful. Solemn resignation is a beautiful thing, you see. For now I am prepared for the inevitabilities ahead of me. My head is clearer than it has ever been. I know what I want, and I know what I realistically can get. I was always falling further and further down, reaching out blindly to grasp something I couldn’t comprehend, but you’ve given me the strength to finally open my eyes and see what it was. Happiness has passed me by, but I can still make sure those I care about have time to catch it.

I don’t care about redemption or any such nonsense. I’ve never really done much I regret. No, it was always the things I didn’t do that bothered me. So I stole, and sometimes I had to kill, but I was a victim of circumstance. No, I would not get anything out of redemption. Helping out Ms. Elle is just my way of leaving a legacy. I’m just as selfish as ever, right? I can’t really be faltering now, can I? My apologies to you as well, Lord Kuroth. You’ve been good to me, but this old soul has begun to crack and I don’t believe it will be able to serve you much longer. When that time comes, however, I will not run. I will be at your mercy, and I know exactly how that will end.

Filed under:
Mignon's Journal, Misc by Tawny