Shai-Hsien’s Journal: Entry Sixteen
Entry 16:
I’m exhausted. One can only deal with so much for so long before they just need a break, but I don’t think I have time for such a luxury. I think we’re all wearing down. Miharu is looking worn, thanks to Oni, and I think she might just quit this lifestyle all-together. It would be bittersweet to see her go. I love her like a younger sister, even though I think she might be older than me. I both wish to be with her and to see her safe. Currently those two objectives conflict with each other, and I suppose I prefer her safety. She’s a tough girl, but maybe too dependent on alcohol to cope. Whatever decision she makes I can trust to be the right one for her, and I will support her as much as I can.
Karraki is up to something, probably involving devils, and that makes me worry. Not because I think he would do anything to wrong us, but because I know he is like me, and I know what trouble those like me can get in without thinking. Curiosity is both a blessing and a curse, and I’m not sure he has the ability to stop himself before he gets in too deep. Hopefully I won’t have to add “fight devils to reclaim my friend’s soul†to my list of things to do.
Now onto my dearest Oni. She’s evil, I can see that, but she’s my friend, and more importantly she has the strength I need to complete this quest. Tenser thinks we can fix her, but I’m not so sure. She was close to killing me for simply stopping her from slaughtering (more) innocents. Perhaps the fact that she did not is a sign that somewhere inside her is a being capable of compassion, or at least more complex logic and reasoning. I’ll need to think back to my childhood and remember how Mother raised me up right. Oni is like a baby. A big red demon baby with a giant club, just waiting to be taught the ways of the world.
Luckily among this mess I have Ms. Oolaora. She is my pillar of strength. I can rely on her to stay sane and help me through trying times. I’m just scared she’ll disappear again. I don’t actually understand how she is alive now, but I choose not to think about it. I’m worried that if I completely realize how little sense it makes the universe will course correct and she will vanish into thin air like she was never here to begin with. That’s how it works, right? As long as you aren’t positive something can’t happen, then it can. That sounds like a baby thinking you can’t see them if they can’t see you. Oh dear, maybe I’m the most far gone of us all.
The world is not like the stories I read in my youth. I’m realizing that more and more. Villains aren’t clearly defined, or even wholly evil. I can’t just find the guy with the black cape and kill him to save the day. Likewise I can’t find the true heroes of this story. Everyone is just doing what they think is best. Everyone is in shades of gray, but I can’t figure out just what shade I am to fall in. I’ve always been sure of myself, sure of who I was and what I wanted, but know I’m finding it hard to define who I am or what I believe in, but I guess I’m nearing a breakthrough here. Best of luck, me.
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