Shai-Hsien’s Journal – Entry Ten
Entry Ten:
I’m not as oblivious as people think I am. I’ve always been fully aware of the intricate network of flaws and crazy that makes up my mind, but that doesn’t mean I’m not a slave to them. (It’s funny because I was sold into slavery once.) I’ve always been a dreamer, but the real world and the fantasies in my mind have been becoming more and more intertwined as of late. The fact that I know this and still am able to completely live on in blissful ignorance is a testament to my insanity. I suppose the act of writing it down here is my mind’s attempt to keep me grounded in reality. I’m living in history, times are serious and I should be giving nothing but my best. That’s tough though, you know? I’m just a girl with a violin, not a hero.
Those thrust into tumultuous lives find their own ways to cope, else they lose it completely. Miharu clings to those she has left, she didn’t do her self any favors by picking me though, I feel I should be there for her more than I have been, but I just don’t know how to go about doing that. Khan releases his stress by neighing and stalking bird things. I guess Azriel keeps it to himself and let’s out stress by being a bit of a jerk to everyone, and I simply detach myself from reality and live in my own head. Ine’dan doesn’t seem to have a release though. That guy is some sort of knight in shining armor ripped straight from a storybook. He’s brave and kind to a fault, and probably handsome to boot, I can never really tell with Kitsune, the ears are so big and triangular, it’s really distracting. He never seems to show any signs of weakness, and this is why I fear for his well being. He takes too much upon his shoulders and one day it is going to catch up to him, and if the circumstances are bad his mind might just shatter into hundreds of pieces. Maybe I’m totally wrong here, It’s not like a have any real knowledge about people, I’m just taking stabs in the dark with a blunt knife over here. People in life aren’t as simple and predictable as they are in books and stories. Those have structure and meaning. Those have things I can cling to, and find comfort in.
In moments of silence like the one I find myself in now, I think we all can’t help but lose out to our emotions. When you have nothing to do but think, reality hits you in the face like a giant axe swung by an eight foot tall Gnoll and you become all too aware of all your own flaws, and the bleakness of your situation. I guess this is why people try to keep busy. I never understood that until recently. I used to just idle all my time away, and it was great. I realize now that it was simply because I had nothing to shield my own mind from. I was living a life without burden, something I shall never experience again.
Leave a Reply